I’ll take either when it comes to airport security checkpoints. I swear it varies from city to city and country to country. As a frequent traveler you’d think I knew all the rules and was able to breeze through airport checkpoints with ease. But that’s not the case . . . not even close.

Just when I think I’ve got it down to a science and have done all the things I’m supposed to do in order to successfully get through security I’m rudely awakened by a screaming agent. And sometimes s/he is screaming in a language I don’t understand (which for some reason makes them scream louder as if the problem is that I didn’t hear what was said as opposed to I didn’t understand what was said). With all of that said, I have a few questions I’d like answered so that we may all have a more pleasant airport experience. Feel free to add your own questions.

Do I have to take my shoes off or not?

If I have to take off my shoes, do they go in a bin or directly on the conveyor?

Does my iPad have to come out of my bag or not?

Does my laptop have to be in its own bin or does the iPad go with the laptop? I don’t want to be yelled at, again, for using too many bins.

Does my jewelry have to come of or not?

Does my purse always have to be hand searched when there’s a stack of cash in it? I mean, it’s clearly not more than the amount permitted to be transported. But somehow it always gets searched when I’m carrying a wad of cash but hardly ever when there’s no money in it. (Not an accusation. Just a point of clarification.)

Does my knee brace have to come off and be separately scanned when it already went through AIT, was swabbed, wanded and physically patted down or not?

What constitutes a liquid or gel? And how much of either can I actually have? And if my solid deodorant is not a gel, why can’t I take it home with me? If it’s out of bounds, and my liquids/gels baggie is too large, why was I allowed o bring it with me?

Does my hair have to be patted down or not? Sidebar: When I tell you to put on a new glove before you put your hand in my hair, I mean it!!You’ve been touching only God knows what now you want to run your fingers through my hair? No ma’am! Not on this day (or any other).

Do you need my passport for my Duty Free purchase or not?

Can I take my Duty Free purchase with me or do I have to meet you at my gate to receive it?

By the way, I’ve told you once that all I’m wearing under my running jacket is a bra. Don’t ask me to take it off again!

If this is a matter of some agents not doing their jobs and letting things go that shouldn’t, then get everyone up to snuff. If not, then standardize the process if not globally then at least standardize it across the country.

If the rules were posted screeners wouldn’t waste time yelling at me for following the rules of the last airport, or the rules I had to follow when I came through this airport 2 days ago. If the process was standardized, we’d all have a much more pleasant airport experience.