Who Really Breaks Up In a Breakup?

The answer: Everybody!

I just finished watching a recording of ‘The Wendy Williams Show.’ During the “Hot Topics” segment, she talked about Ryan Secrest hanging out with the brother of his now EX-girlfriend, Julianne Hough. (Let’s just agree to ignore the obvious, ok?). Wendy posed the question to her audience: Is it ok to continue to hang out with your friend or family member’s ex?

My answer: Continue reading

How Men Love

I’m watching “Marrying The Game” on VH1. Judge me. A friend of the fiancé just said “You’re expecting Jayceon to love you the way you want to be loved versus accepting that he’s loving you the way he knows how.” The fiancé replied, “He thinks providing is loving.” The friend responded, “Most men do.”

The friend is absolutely right. I’ve had a similar conversation with my own girlfriends but from a slightly different perspective. I believe that all men need to be needed. The disconnect between men and women comes when women fail to realize that men don’t view needs the same way we do. Most men view being needed in financial terms. If they are providing for you financially, they believe they’re doing everything they need to do to maintain a healthy relationship. Conversely, they feel completely inadequate if they can’t provide financial support. What many men fail to realize is that a lot of us don’t need our bills paid. We need someone to slay the dragons!.

Another disconnect: men aren’t the best communicators. To compound that issue, women often talk a lot but say a bunch of nothing. Neither of these traits are conducive to effective communication or problem solving. So men never get the point that “yeah, the money is nice, but I have other needs too.” And women never clearly distinguish the real needs from the noise.

Maybe men really are from Mars and women really are from Venus.

The Dip Back

I was listening to the Tom Joyner Morning Show this morning and an interesting topic came up: Have You Ever ‘Dipped Back’ to an Old Relationship for a New Fling?”

The topic reminded me of a blog I wrote some years ago – “The Ghosts of Chrissy’s Past.” Virtually every one of my exes has come back at some point. All except the ONE I would actually take back. Sometimes they come back with the old “Hey, how’ve you been? Long time no hear. We should catch up sometime” and later work their way up to the point of contacting me. Other times they get right to the point,  “Hey, I was thinking about us and that we should give it another try.”

I’ve done it. I’ve dipped back a time or two. I’ve fallen for the banana in the tailpipe.  When I dipped back I found that it didn’t work for one of two reasons.  Either 1) he was the exact same person he was back then, which made us (still) incompatible or 2) he’d changed but so had I and the people we’d become were (also) incompatible. Either way, Le Partie Deux, needed to be cut short. Most of my friends who’ve dipped back have had similar experiences. Because of this I lean toward the thought that the successful ‘dip back’ is more likely the exception than the rule. So, I’ll stick to the conclusion of the old blog.  Check it out.  Enjoy!


You’re Perfect!  Wait for Me:  Ghosts of Chrissy’s Past (2007)

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the following statement:  “You’re perfect.  You’re smart, pretty, kind, ambitious, caring.  You’re just wonderful.  You’re exactly the kind of woman I want to marry . . . someday.” 

Starting way back in my Junior and Senior years in college I started hearing that speech or something very similar.  Later in my twenties, when I started to consider the possibility of marriage, I found the speech to be incredibly frustrating.  Here I was at a point in my life where I felt I was ready to consider marriage and I was being told by almost all the men I dated that I was exactly what they wanted . . . someday.


Intellectually, I understood.  They simply weren’t ready.  And I’m not one to push anyone who isn’t ready.  I guess my problem with the statement is that they somehow seemed to think I’d wait for them.  That I’d want them 10 years down the line after they’d sewn their wild oats.

Well, it’s ten years later (for some of them).  These men are now 30 – 35 and guess what;  theeyyyyyy’rrrrreeeeee baaaaaccccccckkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!

Dudes from my past have been showing up like roaches in the projects.  They’re everywhere.  I guess they’ve sewn their wild oats and “someday” has finally arrived.  Lucky me?  Not so much.  I may have been willing to entertain the option of exploring a relationship after a number of years apart had they not given me “the speech.”  Having heard the speech it feels like I was placed on hold.  It’s like they said, “If nothing better comes along then I’ll go scoop up Chrissy.”  Doesn’t it just give you the warm fuzzies?  Nah, not so much.

So to all the fellas who put Chrissy on the back burner until someday, yeah, I’m still available.  But I’m not available to you.

No Scary Age for Me!!

I don’t have a “scary” age.  I’ve never had one and don’t ever plan to have one.  I am, however, in the age group where many of my peers are at their scary age, quickly approaching their scary age or they’re depressed because they’ve long ago passed their scary age.  Let me explain the concept of the “scary age” for you non-Sex and the City viewers.  The scary age is the age at which women start to panic if they haven’t married and/or had children and it usually coincides with a woman’s biological clock.  The scary age is viewed as the entrance to spinsterhood.  If you aren’t married with kids by the time you hit your scary age then you may as well start making doilies and buying cats.

The main reason I’m opposed to setting a scary age is because women who are nearing their scary age become neurotic.  They do some of the most insane things you’ll ever hear of.  Take for instance the 46-year-old woman on the We TV show “Bridezillas.”  She had an adult daughter but had never been married.  On the reality show she married a 38-year-old “salesman.”  She paid for the entire wedding with no assistance from him.  This “salesman” was away from home for four months at a time because he was traveling “on business.”  I’m not the only one who thought this sounded a bit suspect.  Her adult daughter and sister both thought it was suspicious that his job didn’t even allow him to come home on the weekends. When he was in town, his hometown also, he lived with her, drove her car (because he didn’t have one) and used her cell phone (because he didn’t have one).  Let’s just ignore the housing situation.  What kind of salesman doesn’t have a car or cell phone? Most companies supply these items. And even if the company doesn’t supply the car, the employee is required to own a vehicle.  Despite the protests of her family the 46 year-old ignored her fiancé’s shortcomings and married him anyway. She married him despite the fact that he first failed to show up at their wedding, leaving her at the alter.  He finally showed up at her house the next day, apologized and they went to Vegas to get married.  I don’t set a scary age because I don’t want to be so desperate to make it happen that I settle for a “man” like this one.

I also don’t want to be the chick who shows up to a relationship with a timeline.  (The following is a true story)  A 32 year old woman gave up a, by all accounts, perfectly good man after a year and a half of dating because he was not ready to propose to her by a given date and married to her within six months of that date.  After having dated for a year she informed him that a proposal would be required by the 18-month mark, exactly six months from the date of the conversation.  When the date arrived, and he had not purchased a ring or made a proposal, she presented him with a prepared statement advising him that if he was not willing to make the proposal that day, and commit to a wedding date on that same day, that she would be leaving the relationship.  He let her know that he would not be making the proposal.  They ended their relationship that very day.

Then there’s the woman I refer to as “Atomic Clock.” This woman would meet a new guy, fall in love and become “engaged” within six months.  I use quotation marks because there was never a ring. In my mind, men aren’t serious until they’ve spent money on a ring. Within three months of the “engagement” the couple would break up and she would start the cycle all over again. It was as if she were so desperate to find a husband, any husband, that she would blindly jump into relationships in the hopes that she might finally be able to check off “get married” on her list of things to do.

I don’t fully blame this outlandish behavior on the neurotic women.  I partly blame society and the pressures it puts on women to be married with children.  I also blame the socio-economic factors, and plain old ignorance, that have created the ever-dwindling pool of suitable men.  When you subtract the men who are: already married, in jail, gay, bisexual (aka gay in waiting), unemployed, uneducated or addicted, there are but 3 or 4 men left for us single chicks to fight over.  As a result of the relatively few, decent men available, women are putting up with all kinds of unimaginable nonsense.

I watch these women and I’m sad for them.  I’m sad for the ones who’ve settled for less than they deserve and are miserable in their relationships.  I’m sad for the ones I watch cling to a piece of a man just so they can say they have one. And I’m even sadder for the ones who desperately want to be mothers so they’re making a go at it with men who aren’t good people or good boyfriends and will likely be even worse fathers. And even more than being sad for them, I am determined not to become one of them.

The Sexiest Thing About a Man

I’ve been writing this blog (in my head) for a little over a week now.  I began writing it after date with a guy I’ve been dating casually for a little over a month.  He’s a great guy.  He looks good on paper (educated, gainfully employed, no kids, well-traveled, financially stable (from outward appearances)).   And although he’s no Idris Elba, he’s certainly not hard on the eyes.  And add to that that he’s kind, respectful and chivalrous (opens doors, pulls out chairs, helps me with my coat, walks on the right side of the sidewalk and he knows that hats are not to be worn indoors).  He’s, technically speaking, my franchise player at the moment.  The only problem is that he doesn’t have the “It” factor.  In fact, nobody on my current team has that “It” factor.

Let me briefly refresh you on the team concept.  I believe in dating multiple men at the same time. Women typically meet a man and stick with him ’til the wheels fall off.  They are then devastated when it doesn’t work out.  Most times they are not so much upset about the end of the relationship as they are the thought of having to ‘get back out there.’ Men, on the other hand always have more than one woman on their team so even when they end it with one chick they have at least one other on the roster to keep themselves entertained.  So I decided a while back that I would date like a man.  This method has generally worked well for me.  The only time it didn’t was when I gave up my team too soon.  Next time, I’ll have to have a rock on the third finger of my left hand before I give up my team (just kidding . . . kinda . . . sorta).

One of my girls noticed that I’d been spending a lot of time with Mr. Looks Good on Paper and asked how it was going.  I told her that it was going ok but I just didn’t know if I wanted to continue seeing him.  She asked what was wrong with him and I said “nothing.”  And that was the truth.  Nothing is wrong with him, he simply doesn’t have that “It” factor working in his favor.  The “It” factor is that thing that causes the butterflies in your stomach when you know you’re going to see him.  It’s that thing that makes you want to call just to say “Hi” and see how his day is going.  It’s that thing that makes you want to go out of your way to do special things for him.  I had none of that for him . . . until our last date.  That’s when he did the absolute sexiest thing a man can do.  He did that “man thing” that I LOVE so much!  We were meeting for breakfast one morning.  I was late because I’d had a hectic morning dealing with an issue (a relatively minor one) that despite all my efforts I just couldn’t resolve.  I was slightly frazzled when I arrived at the breakfast spot.  He asked what was wrong. (2 points for noticing AND asking)  And that’s when he did the absolute sexiest thing a man can do . . . he said “as soon as we’re done with breakfast, I’ll take care of it.”  WOW!!!!  I didn’t have to ask him to take care of it; I didn’t have to hint for him to do it, in fact, it never even crossed my mind that he might step in and work it out.  And just like that, he’d all of a sudden developed the “It” factor!!!

Many of the men I’ve dated have measured how much I “need” them by how many bills I ask them to or let them pay.  That’s not my thing.  I’ve always been very independent.  So when I let them know that I don’t need them in that way they equate that with “I don’t need you (at all).”  Men don’t get that most of us, even the gold diggers, love for a man to be an “M-A-N. Capital M, Capital A, Capital N” (My Daddy, since 1976).  We like for men to take care of things for us.  Especially those traditionally “man things”  (e.g., pumping gas, taking out the trash, fixing things, slaying dragons, etc.). And, hint, hint, gentlemen, being a M-A-N (truly being a man, not just stomping around pounding your chest and chanting “I’m Da MAN!”) is the easiest and best way to get what you want from a woman.  Get your minds out of the gutter, I’m not just talking about that (but it doesn’t hurt there either).  If you want your woman to cook, clean and dress up for you then make it easier for her to do it.  Carry your weight in the relationship and be a man and take some things off her plate.  Trust me, it works!

Can Men and Women Really be “Just Friends?”

Can men and women really be “just friends?” In my younger years I would always answer this question with an emphatic, “YES!” Now that I’m a little older, and presumably a little wiser, I’m less likely to answer the same way. In my younger, more optimistic (and possibly more naïve) days I would say “yes” because experience hadn’t yet shown me anything different. In the years since then I’ve learned that it is highly unlikely that men and women can be just friends.

Starting in college I developed a close circle of friends that has, at some times, consisted of more men than women. I’ve considered many of these men to be amongst my closest friends. However, at some point 80% of them have expressed interest in me either directly to me or to someone they knew would share their feelings with me. The first couple of times it happened I blew it off. When it began to happen with more frequency, and with individuals with whom I’d had longer friendships, I decided that it was highly probable that men and women simply can’t maintain plutonic relationships for long periods of time.

I once got into a debate with a friend on this topic. He and I started as friends but he later expressed interest in me. He was a firm believer that men and women could not be friends. Period. Back then I still thought it was absolutely possible. He bet me that if I were to poll three of my current, long-term male friends who had never expressed interest in me that I would find that they too at some point had been interested in exploring a romantic relationship with me. I took the challenge and polled three friends. The results were mixed. While none of them had previously expressed any interest in me, two admitted to having “considered” me at some point in our relationship.

After reflecting on my own personal experiences I’ve decided that it is absolutely impossible for men to be friends with women without wanting more at some point. Maybe this is true for some women as well but not for me, or any of the women I’ve polled. Men have told me, that it is a waste of their time to invest time in a relationship with a woman they don’t intend to have sex with (at some point). For these men, cultivating a relationship with someone of the opposite sex is singular in purpose: mating. That’s it.

So, ladies and gentlemen, what’s been your experience? Can men and women really be just friends?????

(Clarification: We’re talking about heterosexual men and women. However, that raises the question: Can two gay men be friends? Can two gay women be friends? Based on the experiences of some of my gay, male friends, the answer is “no!” What say you?)