The Top 10 Pick Up Lines and the ONE that Actually Works

This is not the “top” ten you’re thinking about.  This is actually the bottom ten, the absolute worst pick up lines . . . EVER.  Unfortunately, all of these have been directed at me personally.  Most didn’t get responses.  Some provoked laughter of the “loud, country” variety.  You know, when your mouth is wide open and your head is thrown back as tears begin to stream down your face as you alternately holler and laugh.  Others rendered me speechless.  Imagine that!  Here are some of the “better” pick up lines I’ve heard:

10.  “Come here!”

(I’m sorry, even my father isn’t allowed to summon me this way.)

  1.  “Do you got good credit?”

(The grammar alone made me cringe.)

  1.  “I’ll give you $100 to have dinner with me.”

(So I’m a prostitute now?)

  1.  “You sexier than a muthaf&^ka!”

(Exactly how sexy IS a “muthaf&^ka?)

  1.  “Guhl, let me buy you a fish sandwich.”

                 (This one got the loud, country, laugh! Especially since I was walking through an airport when I heard it.)

  1.  “D@mn! You look like you got a good job, like you a secretary or something.”

(*** Blank Stare ***)

  1.  “You lookin’  young and healthy.”

(I didn’t get this one until one of my girlfriend said “Well, you see these old, sick looking chicks in here!)

  1.  (Staring at my breasts) “They sho’ll is pretty.” (briefly looking up at my face) “And you too.” (returning his attention to my breasts)


2.  “Let me get your number.  No?  Can I get a quarter?”

(This one got laughs too.)

  1. “You got a Twitter?”

(What am I, 15??)

Do men actually think this stuff works?  I certainly hope not.  I might be able to understand men saying these things if I were the type to walk around looking cheap and skanky.  But since I don’t, I am completely perplexed by my being a “lightening rod” for these comments.  What gives?  What prompts a man to even attempt a pickup line (of any kind)?  Does he know when he’s shot a brick or does he continue to use the line in hopes that it will work . . . eventually?

Oh, BTW, the ONE line that actually works:

“Hi.  My name is ___________.”

See how easy that is?

There Really Are Leagues to this Thing

For the very first time I heard a man acknowledge that there are dating “leagues.”  When I say league I’m talking about exactly what you think I’m talking about.  My girlfriends and I talk about it all the time.  Men don’t recognize, acknowledge or respect the fact that there really are leagues.  Maybe that’s because they don’t have to.  It’s perfectly acceptable for a man in the “major” league to date a woman on a “farm team.”  They do it all the time.  How many highly successful, well-educated men have you encountered who are dating, or married to, a woman with a GED and a job that doesn’t even offer a 401k plan??

Go ahead and count.  I’ll wait.

Men can get away with this because it’s socially acceptable for a man to marry a woman who is not his educational or economic equal.  As long as she’s cute, presentable and can halfway carry on a decent conversation it’s perfectly all right for a man to date down.  This gives men an exponentially greater advantage in the dating game.  They simply have more options.

I’m fairly progressive.  I consider myself to be a rather open individual; however, I absolutely am not open to the possibility of dating a 30+-year-old man who’s working on his GED while working two minimum wage jobs.  It’s not happening.

I’m familiar with the women’s rights movement, however, I think men have taken it too far.  Yes, women are closing the pay gap.  Many of us now earn a wage equal to, or greater than, our male counterparts.  There’s less of a social stigma associated with a man earning less than his girlfriend or wife.  But men are taking the movement a little too far. Just because we want equal pay for the same job doesn’t mean we want to support a lazy bum. These are two separate and unrelated issues.  So, please, let’s set the record straight once and for all.  STAY IN YOUR OWN LEAGUE!  Maybe, just maybe, it’s ok to date up, or down, one league.  But that’s it.  Ladies with GEDs, multiple babies and babies’ daddies: STAY IN YOUR LEAGUE!  Stop chasing ballplayers, bankers and brokers.  Date the dude who works security in your building.  He’s in your league.  Fellas with a high school diploma, 12 baby mamas, NO JOB, living in your Big Mama’s basement, stop approaching professional women who have their stuff together!  You look dumb . . . unless you’re in Atlanta (but that’s another blog for another day).

The point is that everyone needs to bring something to the table.  Your kids, your drama and your bills don’t count.

I’m Taking My Ball and I’m Going Home!!

I’ve been toying with this piece for well over a year now.  It seems that every time I tuck it away and decide not to finish it someone brings the topic back to the forefront.  Sometimes it’s brought up by an acquaintance, sometimes it’s a friend-of-a-friend and sometimes it’s some random person whose conversation I over hear on the street.  No matter how it comes up, I have the same reaction: DISGUST! 

Every time I hear about women knowingly sleeping with married men I become disgusted.  I’m disgusted by the arrogant S.O.B.s who think they deserve more than one woman. I’m even more disgusted by the women who allow themselves to be degraded in such a way.  Women who knowingly sleep with married men are giving the men permission to disrespect them and treat them as second rate.  Why would any woman subject herself to such treatment?  Low self-esteem?  Bad experiences?  Yeah, whatever. 


If a man will lie to and cheat on the woman he stood before God, his family and friends and pledged to love and honor for all of eternity, what makes you think he’d be decent to you, the other woman?


What kind of self-esteem must you have to even think you deserve to have the affection and attention of more than one woman?

Married men have approached me on more than one occasion.  I’m always offended when it happens.  One of the most disrespectful things a man can do to a woman is to ask her to be his “side piece” his “jump off,” his “Ho.”  He may not use any of these labels but in reality it is what he’s implying.  Obviously there are women out there who don’t mind being a sidepiece.  These women don’t mind playing second fiddle.  They don’t mind getting whatever scraps of time and attention a man can steal away from his wife (and children).  I’ve heard all the excuses why women become involved with married men:

  1. “It just happened.  I never meant to become involved with him.”  Stop lying to yourself.  Affairs don’t just happen.  You chose to take part in the affair.
  2. “I dated him first.”  So!  You lost.  He married the other chick.  Move on!
  3. “He’s not happy with her.”  Then make him man the f*ck up and properly remedy the situation before you become involved with him.  He’s lying to you.  He’s as happy as a pig in sh!+ because he’s doing her AND you too!  Dummy!
  4. “He’s gonna leave her when the time is right.”  Stupid, he is not going to leave her!  Your best bet is that SHE will leave him and you’ll get him by default.  That is if one of his other sidepieces doesn’t snatch him up first.
  5. “He is only with her because of the kids.”  No, he just told you that because he thinks you’re stupid enough to believe it.  But I guess you are because you repeated it to me.  Idiot!
  6. “He doesn’t love her.”  And he doesn’t respect you.  That’s not a problem though because you obviously don’t respect yourself.

Maybe I am overly confident but I am not a woman who will accept being relegated to second-string status.  I don’t carry myself like a sidechick, I don’t look like a sidechick and I refuse to be treated like a sidechick.  I am worthy of being the #1 chick . . . the ONLY chick!  If I can’t be the only chick, then I don’t want to play.  I’m taking my ball and I’m going home!!

That brings me to the alleged #1 chicks who acknowledge and accept that other chicks exist but refuse to address the matter with their mates.  You’re just as bad as the sidepieces.  He doesn’t respect you any more than he respects the sidepiece.  He lies to you and he cheats on you.  The only “advantage” you have is that he introduces you to his family and friends (who all laugh behind your back because they know he lies to you all the time).  Please, somebody tell me what’s the benefit here?  And please don’t say that you take it for the kids.  Kids aren’t stupid.  They know how he treats you.  Your daughters know that their mother has no self-respect.  And guess what?  They won’t have any either because you’re teaching them that it’s ok to not respect yourself.  You’re teaching your sons that it’s ok to treat women this way.  Hey, if that kind of treatment is ok for mama, then its ok for every other chick, right?

To the alleged #1 Chicks:  Make him man up.  Make him respect you.  There is nothing he can buy you that is worth your dignity.

To the sidepieces:  Please don’t confuse “Side Piece” with “Dime Piece.”  Remember, you’re the one he keeps hidden.  You’re the one who gets the leftovers (i.e., stolen moments at odd times, a few hours every other holiday, dinners at out of the way places, the cell number that he only answers when his wife isn’t around).  Know your worth.

Whether you’re a woman cheating with someone else’s man or a man cheating on your woman, you need to know that karma is a bitch in pointy-toed boots.  And when she comes for you, WATCH OUT!!